I blush at texts, I smile at videos I want to recreate, I laugh at old videos and I dream of the future. And while I live in this fairytale I can't wait for the next chapter. For now though, here is the first page of my newest letter. 

All in all I would say 2023 was a good one. But I hope to make 2024 even better. 

That is for now. These characters will return. Well some of them. Most of them. 

Life. What a crazy thing it can be. 

Every year I feel like I get a bit smarter, which is of course the goal, but it is strange when you feel so different so quickly. I feel like my world view has changed drastically in just a few months. So much so that I constantly question what my next step is. Just a few years ago I had everything planned, I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be. Now I don't know. I think I know, but then I think I don't. And even weirder, I think that is normal. Every true adult that I know has said the same thing; "You'll never actually know where you want to be, let alone what you want to do." So I guess we are all cursed to wonder around life looking for what is next. That's where my newest thought has come into play. 

I've always been a firm believer that if you just imagine your life as a movie it is more exciting. Those chores you don't want to do are just character building. That terrible day you just had is just a way to forward the plot. This outlook has always made me significantly happier in various ways. At it's core it is just romanticizing your life, which most people do in some way. But recently I think I have fully embraced that it is dramatically better to have this outlook. Instead of dreading the boring days I have a way to make them exciting. I am forcing the plot forward even when I don't necessarily want to. I have begun to approach each day with the hope of making them something I would include in a film. Even if all I am doing that day is working and then going home to do some more work I find a way to make it fun. For example: I am not an outdoors person, not really, yes I love going to the lake or river but I am paranoid the whole time I am near trees, I have the most ridiculous fear of ticks, so if I don't have a reason to be outside I am inside. Well I haven't been allowing myself that. Every day for the past like three months I have forced myself to go outside for at least thirty minutes. And wow, when those ancient doctors prescribed sunlight to psycotic patients they weren't wrong. The sun is crazy. I am sure everyone else was let in on this before me. But I find it incredible how quickly my mood increases just by being outside. Regardless everytime the sun shines in my eye it feels like a cinematic movie scene in it's own way, kind of like the moment the main character has their break through. Everything just feels right. A small piece of romanticizing my life. 

I am twenty-one years old. I hate that. I hate it so much. I no longer have the disguise of being a teenage to make myself feel better about not being further ahead in life. I am behing. I know that. But I also know that no-one is behind. Everyone lives at a different speed. I like to think emotionally and mentally I am ahead. But I know that isn't true either. There is always going to be people that are smarter, happier, better than you. That is just reality. But there is also always going to be people that aren't as smart, as happier, or in a better state than you. At the end of the day you are always going to be surrounded by better and worse. I have to remind myself that I am finding my own way, the same way everyone else has to. I have some things figured out that others don't. And others have things figured out that I don't. That doesn't mean that they are further ahead than me. It just means I have self-worth issues. And so does nearly everyone else. And that is okay. It is what pushes us to keep going, to become better. But it is also extremely important that you recognize that you are never going to be someone else. You are you. And that is amazing. 

The truth is I have no idea what I am doing. And I am trying to make myself feel better about it. I want to be so much more but do I really. I am genuinely happy. But am I. That is what this is about, I don't know. I don't know what or who or how I am. I am a twenty-one year old who still lives with her parents. I always thought I was going to live in a big city but for some reason my heart is falling in love with small towns. I always wanted to make big hollywood movies but those jobs aren't as accessible as they once were, and I quite enjoy making my own projects. I thought the friends I have made would be there through thick and thin but maybe I was wrong. I had this idealized projection of what I wanted and finally the projector is fading. It is interesting to watch as your vision falls, as you learn what life could be, or what it couldn't be. But the truth is I have no idea what I am doing. And I hope no one else does either. 

I decided to write this blog before the Youtube video is posted. So this is going to be a fun dance of not talking aboout the 2022 video but still talking about 2022. Let's dance.

I want to talk about logistics before I talk about the actual year. In 2022 just on my phone ther are 3,094 photos and videos. This doesn't include photos or videos from any of my friends and family or even from my cameras. The Instagram video is just over and minute and the Youtube video is just over four minutes. Choosing the best vieos to condense a whole year into about five minutes is incredibly difficult so if you watch these videos and don't see yourself I promise it isn't personal. A lot of times I don't record when I am with people, whether that is because I want the time to be more personal or even if I am burnt out it doesn't change the fact that if you are in my life you are incredibly important to me. 

Alright lets start by talking about projects I worked on and finished in 2022. First Holly Holmes, this project was the Dream Teams capstone project for our final semester at OTC and it was so fun. That was when the Dream Team actually became a friend group and we got to use all of our skills to create a detective show, it was a mess but I learned a lot about different ways people work together. The next project would be the Star Wars battle, this project was just me and Owen but it was super cool. Zach had shown us a really cool abandonded railroad station and we got permission to film there a few times so for a school project we filmed a lightsaber battle in the building. I am terrible at choreographed fights on the spot so it was a bit difficult but it turned out pretty good. My version ended up being so good that our teacher kept it to show as an example. Next was SkillsUSA, this project was a state compitition, I was paired up with someone I had never worked with and we created a short film about an epidemic, we won second place in the state and it was my first time creating a film in that style. It was extremely benificial for me and I hope my partner can say the same. After this was SATO48, which is Springfield and The Ozarks 48 film competition. 48 hours to make a short film from scratch. It was ROUGH, but looking back it was some of the most fun hours of the year. The Dream Team worked together to create a cult film, it turned out pretty good for how sleep deprived I was, and I even got nominated for Best Cinematgraphy so I call that a win. After this point the Dream Team graduated and summer was hectic, more traveling than structured films. Instead I focused on memory videos such as the Dream Team recap and vacation recaps, I finally made a demo reel and worked a few weddings. Along with those I made several really short videos that I posted on TikTok, they aren't anything that took more than five minutes of planning but I still enjoyed making them. 

The project I just finished isn't film based but instead a book or sorts. For Christmas this year I wanted to make my parents something (I bought them Chiefs tickets with my sisters so that was their real gift). So I decided to make them a coffee table book about their lives. Mostly pre-kids since I didn't want to make a book about myself. I can't spoil too much because odds are that my parents will read this, but let me just say I went above and beyond. The book is packed full of memories and love. I am very proud of it. 

Let's talk about the trips I went on this year. Of course I went to Kansas City a bunch of times, I don't really consider it a trip but I will include it. If you don't know, I have a good amont of family in KC so we visit as often as we can. In May I got to go to Las Vegas, yeah this twenty year old went to the land of gambling and booze. And I had a blast without touching either. My parents got married (finally) I got to go with one of the most fun groups of people imagniable. There were like twenty of us parading around the party city and it was a blast. My favorite memory of that trip was when me and my sisters + my brother in law convinced everyone we found a penquin. In June I got to leave the country for the first time with my lifelong best friend and her family. We went to Grand Cayman, which was a trip that was supposed to happen in 2020 but thanks to COVID it got delayed. Regardless it was an incredible trip with more time in the ocean than the rest of my life combined. My favorite memory of that trip was snorkeling in the open ocean for the first time. It was incredible. In July the Dream Team went to Chicago. We rented out an airbnb and just explored the city. It was my first trip without adult supervision and it went extremely well for a bunch of immature 18-20 year olds. I have two favorite memories from that trip. First when all of us missed an engagement happening seven feet away from us. But mostly when we trifted suits and went to dinner. In September I went to the Lake of The Ozarks, which isn't a legit trip but it was an awesome birthday party for that lifelong friend I mentioned earlier. My favorite memory from that was watching her take a shot with a fish in it. And lastly in November I went to Oklahoma to gamble with my Grandma for her birthday. This wasn't really a legit trip either but we did leave the state so I'll count it. The gambling age in Oklahoma is 18 so I actually got to do it this time. My favorite memory from that is just getting to see my grandma in moments of happiness. 

This is the first end of year blog I have written and while I know no one will read all of this I am very glad I am writing it, even if it is extremely long I want to put as much detail as I can so years from now I can feel just like I do right now, both extremely grateful and extremely remenisent. 

I want to talk about random moments from this year. Moments that made this year what it was. Here we go. I have a pair of friends who I believe would be my longest friends. They are some of my best friends and ones I hate the most. But it is what it is. At the beginning of the year one came down from Kansas City to go hunting so he stopped by and hung out for a while. It is always really interesting when I see one of them because I am always really happy when they are here but when they leave it is like they never even exsisted. It is strange but as I am looking at some photos and videos of when they were here it is cool to see how we pick up as if nothing ever happened and time hasnt passed. I can't help but be grateful that I have several friendships like that. One memory that will stick with me forever is how I found out I needed glasses. Owen yelled at me for a shot being out of foucs, we then argued becasue it wasn't out of focus, it took four more poeple to convince me that it was. Turns out I have a eally bad astigmatism. Who would've known. While filming Holly Holmes we had a shot we wanted where our main character mixes Kool-aid in water. We didn't think about adding sugar, we all took a drink of it and recorded it. It was one of the most disgusting things I have ever drank but it was extremely funny to do with my friends. I got my nose pierced this year, it is something I had thought about doing for a long time and I did it just a couple of weeks before I turned twenty. I went with one of those friends I mentioned earlier in this paragraph. Once again it felt like it never happened but there is a permanent reminder that it did. My birthday this year was on a school day and I have never been happy for that until this year (which is lucky since it was my last year in school.) The Dream Team surprised me with a party. They all chipped in, bought donuts and party poppers and we took over a classroom. They even bought me a pack of dr pepper and we went to get lunch. It was the first time I've had people surprise me for my birthday and I'm 99% sure I never even mentioned I had a birthday coming up. It was really special and I will never be able to thank them enough. Speaking of Dream Team, here are some more rapid fire memories. We ditched class to go ice skating, we got our teacher to go to lunch with us (and barely made it back to school in time for class), we went to a Springfield Cardinals game (it was college night, I am still a Royals fan) and we played musical chairs on the field in between innings, after the game we played chicken on concrete (don't try that at home), we ditched class to go to the batting cages, we ditched class to go to the mall (I'm really not sure how we all graduated), and one of the coolest things we did was go to Prom. Let me elaborate. 4 out of 5 of the Dream Team members graduated high school in 2020, meaning we missed most of our senior year. The 1 Dream Team member who didn't graduate high school in 2020 instead was graduating in 2022, meaning he had senior prom. He being Owen, he mangaged to get extra tickets and we went to prom. It was a blast, I've never had so many high school seniors glare at me and my friends. First off we looked hot, for a group who didn't know they were going until the week before we cleaned up pretty nice. Second we were the life of the party, I don't dance really at all but apparently my friends do, they tore up the dance floor while all the high schoolers looked like movie high schoolers standing on the edge looking awkward. Then we dipped, we ate waffle house and hung out for the rest of the night. Pretty great. Oh I forgot to mention before prom we took prom photos in Target and Lowes, in traditional fashion. The next memory I have to mention with the Dream Team is graduation. We took that over too. We were playing rock paper scissors, sticks, leapfrog and God only knows what else. We made it on the jumbotron like six times because we were swaying to the music and waving as well as messing with each other. Easily the most fun people at the function. Then right after we crossed the stage we made our teachers cry by giving them Dream Team hats. They are our honorary members. Owen and I went to the John Mulaney show in Kansas City right before the Dream Team went to Chicago, we basically memorized the entire show. In the middle of August I got COVID, took two whole years but it took me out, it was rough but I made friends with the wasps who were building a nest outside my window. Right after I got better I took several trips to various rivers, once floated down one with Owen and his family, the rest of the times I just chilled at the river. Took my first photo of the milky way. Bought a Spider-man suit because I am not responsible. Went to waffle house on Halloween, pretty spooky. Made a build-a-bear because childhood never ends. And the last thing I will mention is the Ash Grove Christmas parade. It was led by a tractor then followed by a feed truck, dump truck and then horses. That is the town I live in... 

Every moment of this year has been amazing. Mostly. Every years has its ups and downs. This year was no different in that regard. What was different is how I approached those downs. For years I have done my best to be as positive as I can in any situation and I think I may have actually mastered the craft. Everything works out in the end. I repeat that to myself constantly. And while yes, part of that is my religious beliefs I don't think God has to be involved for you to believe that. Everytime something has gone wrong in my life there has been a reason for it to go the way it does. Let's use my life as an example, my move to Chicago got messed up so I got stuck in Ash Grove for longer than I had planned. But being in Ash Grove has given me the chance to spend time with my Grandma who has health problems, it has given me an opportunity to spend a ton more time with my parents and I know one day I will be extremely grateful for the time I have right now. And if that isn't enough, in these months where I thought I would be in Chicago I have been able to make money I wouldn't have, so when I do finally move I will be better off. It is thoughts like this that allow me to only look at the good, and great moments that life gives me. None of this year would matter if I got stuck in those moments that didn't follow my original plan. 

I'm ready for more of that secondary plan. Thank you 2022 for giving me that. 

This entire [very long] blog post is going to be about friendship. 

I have been extrememly fortunate in my friendships throughout my entire life. Nearly every friend I have had has been a long term friend [I'm talking three years or more]. And I truly think that every single friend I've ever had has made me a better person, whether by lifting me up, or by teaching me not to let someone tear me apart the same way they did. Each friendship has carved me into the person I am today. 

And this week I miss my friends. One week I am an extrovert, the next an introvert. I guess this week I am an extrovert. This is the first year that all my friends are in school but I am not. That's the joy of growing up I suppose. For me this next nine months feel like filler. I am just figuring things out. I have big goals but it is slow progress. I hate that, but until I become a multi-millionaire I guess that is life. So in my sad state I am going to talk about my friends, and in that talk about how good of a therapist I am. 

Within every friendship I have eventually become the therapist to that friend. Over those experiences I have learned so many life lessons, and I am here to share. 

To start we are going to discuss the relationship therapy sessions I have had with various friends. I have had the same discussions with both girls and guys, in relationships with both girls and guys and the same advice and ideas are in every conversation. Collaborate not compromise. This is one of the most controversial things I have said. Don't compromise. It doesn't work. In my eyes compromising still leaves people upset. But collaborating doesnt. Collaborating gives a whole new apporaoch to the problem and leads to a happier outlook. Relationships at their core are meant to uplift both parties. There is no situation where your significant other is meant to drag you down, other than if you are flying away with a handful of balloons, then by all means, drag them down. Don't let someone else drag you down and don't be the person dragging someone else down. This is applicable in every dream and ambition you may have. If your significant other is crushing those and making them feel unreachable then I hate to say it but dump them. Everyone deserves happiness. The last thing I will say about relationships is that you have to be alone. That can be read in many ways. The most simple is that alone time is still extremely important in a relationship, you have to have time to your thoughts, time to yourself to be able to enjoy time with your person. This wont push you apart, it will pull you together. The way that I most often say it though is that if you aren't good alone then you aren't good in a relationship. If you don't have the ability to love yourself without someone else, then you don't have the ability to love someone else. Someone elses love isn't going to heal you. Only you can do that. 

The next piece of therapy, and my personal favorite is slowing down. It is something I personally struggle with but I am not alone in that. Taking time to look around and recognize how far you've come is one of the most theraputic things you can do. Take a deep breath, stare at a wall for a minute and just listen to your thoughts. Listen to the voice in your head and think back, think about where you were a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago. However long you want and realize you've come so far. Whether it is an astronomical difference or a minute difference be proud of yourself because you are here to see it. Slowing down also can mean taking a step back, if you find yourself getting burnt out or feeling less chipper take a step back. Avoid that thing for a bit and come back later, creative blocks don't only apply to creative outlets, you are allowed to feel burnt out over anything. And the best way to put out a fire is to take away its oxygen. Stop breathing on your problem and step away. 

The last thing I want to say I am really saying to myself, but seeing it in print is nice. And I figure there are other people who might need to hear it too. Being a distance away doesn't mean its over. Thank God we live in the time we do, we have an absurd amount of communication tools. Use them. And remind yourself, this isn't the first time distance was put in your way, it works itself out. One way or another. 

What to say about this trip other than 'wow'. A bit of backstory, we were supposed to take this trip in June of 2020, right after Kaitie and I graduated high school. If you've been alive long enough to read this then you can probably guess why the trip didn't happen. Grand Cayman shut down. Didn't open their doors until this year so of course we took our chance. After a ton of work by Kris we were a go. A covid test each, a couple of flights and a customs trip later I was in a different country for the first time. Honestly it never felt like I was out of the country, they took American money, spoke english and were all incredibly friendly. I felt like I was in a beachy Ash Grove. 

I want to keep this short so let's go through the extracurriculars; we went snorkelling (a bunch of times in different places), went to the botanical gardens, went to an iguana sanctuary, went to a sea turtle farm/sanctuary, swam with stingrays (and held them), went to starfish point where we held starfish, and we went on a sunset sail.  

I had an amazing time. Each day was an adventure and I got to spend those adverntures with people I love. 

So I did it again. Another diploma to sit on a shelf. This one actually means a bit more to me than the high school one. It is in my dream field, electronic media production, so of course it means a bit more than a high school diploma. 

The past two years have been the biggest rollercoaster. Let me take you on it. After I graduated high school I was in Ash Grove permanently, no school functions to drag me back to Kansas City. For those that don't know, Ash Grove is a town of 1400, the school here is K-12. Not a lot of excitement. So obviously I came here with no friends, and just a bit of family. It royally sucked. My friends from Kansas City started their own lives, started moving for college, and I know we are still friends but I would be lying to myself if I said it was still the same. We talked less and less. Esentially I felt like I was by myself. I definetly fell into my work more and in most respects solved my own seperation anxiety. I give a lot of credit to those first 9 months in Ash Grove. I learned to fully enjoy being alone, being content with my own mind and to stop talking down on myself. 

I enrolled in school, online, I had no interest in my classes, Gen eds are boring, so I took them online. I stayed by myself in Ash Grove. It was even more boring. My friends from KC had started school so we were talking even less than before. Summer was dying so all the lake days and outages were fading out. My parents tried hard to make Ash Grove fun, they could tell I wasn't enjoying the town very much and that I missed Kansas City. They wanted me to be happy but truly not much can be done for a girl who moved from hunreds of thousands to hundreds. Then first semester ended.

I did well in the online classes. Not great my any means but when you give me deadlines I will wait until the hour before to even look at the assignment. But hey, I passed, that was enough for me. A couple of weeks before the end of the semester I enrolled in my classes. I had completed my Gen-eds during my first semester so I was going to be in my degree finally. I was going to class two days a week in Springfield (30 minutes away). Class was easy. Thanks to my high school vo-tech I already knew all the material. It didn't matter to me. I was doing the things I loved to do. Hearing other peoples ideas, working with them, filming something, editing it to be better. It was perfect. Then I started to make a few friends. The ones that stand out the most are Zach and Gunnar. Zach became a friend because he missed a few days and I happened to sit next to him. My favorite friendship stories are always by chance, and that is about as much chance as you can have. It worked out. We ended up working on a lot of projects together, and are founding members of the dream team, more on that later. Gunnar was almost an opposite situation. I missed a day, it happened to be a day that we were assigned a project. When I showed up at the next class his group basically recruited me. We worked on some projects together after that and became school friends until last semester when he bacame a honorary dream team member. 

That semester in school solidified a few things for me. First, I truly love everything about film, and I want to do it for the rest of my life. Second, good friends will find you when they are supposed to. Third, I absolutely made the right decision with the school I chose. And lastly, I could stay in Ash Grove for a while. 

Second semester of EMP started. Four days a week. It was rough. I'm still not sure how I went to school five days a week for 8 hours a day. I think second semester is where the dream team got its roots. I became friends with Owen pretty early in the semester. We needed partners and we didn't want to work with anyone who had never used a camera for our first project (that sounds really selfish but it was an advanced level class). We ended up having two classes together and we worked on nearly every project together. Me and Zach were good friends at this point and were working on projects together as well. This semester I met Brooke and Abbie as well. We had a photography class together so we ran around the school as a group. At this point every Dream Team member had met and became friends. 

Third semester of EMP is where the fun happened. It was all of our last semesters and we happened to have a lot of classes together, some of that was by design but some of it was by chance. 

The class we created the Dream Team in was EMP 263, our capstone class. On the first day we created the Dream Team. A production crew who was tasked to create a two episode tv show. Little did we know we would make dozens of other projects as a crew. Most days we ditched our other classes in favor of hanging out, whether to get food or to go ice skate we were rarely in our respective classes. We regualarly took over Mr. Manns class room to work together on projects and spend time together. We became quite the ruckus in classes. Even bringing our teacher into the fold. We even became a team for a film contest called SATO48 (it really tested if we could be long term friends, we passed). 

And just last week, we graduated together. 

Sitting in a row together we were quite the ruckus in the arena. Playing rock, paper, scissors, sticks, and leapfrog. Dancing to the music and making it on the big board five times. We stopped on our way to cross the stage to be a bother to the same teachers we disruppted in class. And to wrap up the graduation we finally donned our Dream Team hats, giving the teachers from day 1 their own hats. Maybe causing some tears... maybe. 

All this to say, college is great. Was great. 

I don't think this is goodbye to the Dream Team. But it is goodbye to OTC.  

On May 14th, 1992 my parents shared their first kiss. Two years later my sister was born. Two years after that my other sister was born. And 5 years after that I was born. It has been 30 years since their first kiss. 30 years since they started dating. In those thirty years they have had three girls, three homes and countless memories. On May 14th, 2022 they finally tied the knot. 

Fifteen of us traveled to Vegas for the chance to see history be made. To see my parents officially and legally sign their lives to each other. It has been a long time coming. Years of my mom saying," If it ain't broke don't fix it." Years of them both saying," We just want to make sure." (It was always a joke I promise) But finally they tied the knot. We got to watch it all happen in a state most of us had never been to. And let me tell you it was memorable. 

Three flights with bad conditions. Several crazy uber drivers. Lots of spent money. And a few tattoos, we left Vegas with some good memories. 

SATO48. Springfield and the Ozarks 48 hour film competition. The dream team, (the Holly Holmes production team) joined together to compete. A prompt was given on Friday, April 22nd and we had 48 hours to complete a short film. It was both a disaster and a blast. We created something that fit the theme and our own creative ideas. We even took breaks to have fun, including going roller skating. 

Our film centers around a Cult holiday we named Metere, it is Latin for rebirth. In our film two characters fight to the death all in service of the cult leader. Their death gives the leader the ability to de-age and live forever. 

Yeah it is a crazy premise but the prompt was a bit specific so it worked out. 

You can check it out on my youtube channel after May 15th!

I have officially finished editing the video for my SKILLS USA state short film. We were given a prompt and created a five minute short. It was one of the more stressful projects I have worked on but one of the more rewarding ones too. 

We were given a prompt of quarantine.  We created a film starting in the beginning of a lockdown for a new unknown virus. A strange noise awakens our main character and she discovers an infected person has broken into her home. It is a thrilling short full of action. 

I handed over all the project files to my partner and she is currently wrapping up sound design and music production before I will begin color grading. 

We debut the project at the state level on April 8th. 

UPDATE:

We debuted the project. Won second in the state of Missouri in Digital Cinema Production. You can watch the film on my youtube channel. 

So we started week 3 of production on Holly Holmes. We only have two more weeks of production on episode 1 which might be pulling things a little close but we are a procrastinating team so we work best when there is no time to work. The group is a dedicated and fun group with a good dynamic. We work well together and I think our skills compliment each others pretty well. We have all known each other longer than this semester which helps us to know each other and each others abilities. 

Holly Holmes is a noir drama set following a high school detective taking on a presidential mystery. 

We are using this piece obviously for a school assignment but also to beef up our personal demo reels. As a group we have already agreed to help each other in other aspects of filmmaking and I look forward to how this group advances together. Hopefully we will get the opportunity to work together long after school is over. 

UPDATE:

We completed both episodes. They work well together. And we received high marks on both episodes.